Positive Communication

We all know how important it is to react appropriately when a colleague, a friend or a family member tells us some bad news. Even so we may find it difficult – sometimes impossible - to find the right words when the news is of a death in the family, a redundancy, even a failed exam. Often a hug seems more appropriate than words.

Research shows that how we react to good news is just as important, in fact probably more so.

Think about these situations. What do you say when:

1.  Your partner comes home with an enormous grin and a bottle of wine (and it’s not your birthday):

1. Are you having an affair?
2. Wow, you look happy - tell me about it
3. I’ve just had the most rubbish day

2.  Your colleague tells you she’s been promoted:

1. That’s wonderful! When and how exactly did you hear?
2. I suppose that means we won’t be good enough for you any more
3. Really? Have you heard about Pete’s mother dying?

3.  Your teenage son tells you he got an A* for his project:

1. Well don’t let it go to your head.  You can’t afford to rest on your laurels you know
2. Good – now come and help me with the meal
3. That’s absolutely brilliant.  What did the teacher say?  How did you feel?  Tell me all about it.

As we see, there are different ways we can respond to the news.  One way is wholly (and destructively) negative; a real turn-off for the happy person.  Another way simply throws cold water by effectively ignoring the news and talking about something completely different, or by pointing out the downside; such negative responses can undo all the positive effects the good news had on the teller. The third way redoubles the teller’s joy by getting him/her to relive the happy moment in as much detail as possible. ‘Active-constructive responding’ as it’s called has been shown to have a powerful effect on all relationships: research shows that being there for your partner, your colleague or your child when things go right is hugely important for the long-term success of the relationship.

How did you respond in the situations above?

Practise –if you feel like it…

Invent active, positive responses for these situations:

1. Your colleague tells you he’s just got engaged.  Remember it doesn’t matter that you don’t like him very much; you’re colleagues, you need to get on well with him.
2.  Your partner tells you she’s got a pay-rise.  You may well be a bit envious, but here’s a perfect opportunity to reinforce your relationship; don’t blow it!
3. Your teenage daughter tells you she’s been asked on a date by the best-looking boy in the class.  Try not to come all parental on her. She’ll confide more if she feels you’re happy for her.

Life will offer you plenty of opportunities to practise in the next week.  Why not give it a try?

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